i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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