i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
