you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
