We're facebook friends in real life
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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