Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
