my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
