I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm too high and old for this...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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