she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
