well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
