I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
