A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
