Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
