I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We are all done wearing pants today
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
