Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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