I didn't shave. On purpose
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
