Can i not drive my cunt home
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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