Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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