dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
