I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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