This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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