I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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