I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
