I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
