we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
