Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
