my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
