12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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