I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
