my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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