i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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