So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
