Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
