im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
