So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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