You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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