Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
