i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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