I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
