I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
try to milk me bitch
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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