your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
