I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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