DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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