I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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