I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
