I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
