why didn't you poke me back
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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