I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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