remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
