This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
