I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
